If John Hughes were casting the biopic of my 2 year-old-son, I firmly believe, and am somewhat embarrassed to admit, he’d be played by Judd Nelson (John Bender), the juvenile delinquent from The Breakfast Club.
This past week I picked my son up from daycare only to hear that he had been throwing sand at other kids, shoving them, and at naptime, chose to stand up, pull down his diaper, and pee on his nap mat (anyone see Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own? The peeing scene in which Madonna comments on is what I’m picturing…). Had he made fun of Brian (Anthony Michael Hall’s character) for eating “PB and J with the crust cut off” this vignette would’ve been complete. My son is that kid at preschool.
Here’s the thing: I can’t have my son be that kid; I’m a teacher. This will not fly. I relayed this story to one of my closest friends at work. He listened, recognizing the seriousness, the severity of my words, how much is riding on what happens next in my son’s life. And, with that, he told me the story of the time his son (now a successful, attractive, well adjusted, young man) called another student a mother***** on the playground. Brilliant. Obvious to anyone who has children, my coworker’s son used that term because he had heard his father say this time and time again. This is no one’s fault, really.
Now, had my son told the other students in his class to go f*** themselves for some egregious error they had made, I’d recognize that as being completely my fault. That, in all honesty, I may have said that at some point in my child’s existence, wondered at some point, when my husband was going to take me up on that offer. Mea culpa. But, that’s not what happened. And, my son doesn’t see people shoving or hitting each other in his home, so what the hell?
I listened with horror as his teachers told me they had reprimanded my son by telling him this action (his shoving, throwing sand, peeing standing upright over his mattress) makes them sad. Sad? Really? That’s it? I’m humiliated. I went home and immediately told his Nonni, my mother, who insisted (love the Italian in her) that it was obviously some other kid’s fault (and we should place a horse’s head in that kid’s bed…), and my son was just sticking up for himself (does this still include the peeing on his own bed at nap time?) I beg to differ. So, my quandary is, how do I ensure that my son does not end up a criminal? Some suggestions…
1. Stop swearing in front of my son. For the most part, I’ve done this. However, there is the occasional under my breath/ loud enough for myself to hear telling someone around me where they can kiss me if they have the time…
2. Try to make my son believe that my tattoos (though hidden from view) are drawn in, can be erased, and were the worst mistakes of my life.
3. Make him see that fast cars, fast money and fast women have no place in his life. (But all seem so easy…)
4. Never buy him a red plaid cut off shirt. Ever.
5. Remind him that I love him, and use this guilt for the rest of his life.
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