Motherhood Melee

It’s been a while, my apologies.  I’ve been drinking as much as possible.

And now for a recap of the last couple of month’s best parenting moments:

1.    Where My Bia At?

My son doesn’t suck his thumb. He doesn’t have a favorite stuffed animal, and he never took a ‘paci.’ When he came out of me, I swear he winked at the attractive nurse assigned to my room, giving her a head nod circa Joey Tribbiani from Friends as if to say, “How you doin’” as she measured his manhood.  He’s just been further ahead of the game than most kids when it comes to needing support or security items. Cut to: his blankie. My son has a blankie which he only refers to as his “bia,” that I purchased for him courtesy of a large retail chain store with countless baby items, that I, in all my inept motherhood glory, figured would never be discontinued (it has been). It’s a brown blanket with multicolored polka dots that I saw another kid holding onto in Disneyland and I seriously contemplated walking by, grabbing it and running through Fantasyland without looking back. I picked him up from preschool where his teacher thanked me for my son putting a new spin on the term “bia” for her. She explained that “bia” refers to a “bitch” and one of her favorite Lil’ Jon songs. Awesome. Now, when my son and I are walking around highly populous areas and he’s screaming for his bia and I come running, it puts a whole different spin on that for me too. 

2.    Easter Bunny/ Santa Pictures

Are these necessary? Will my son be devastated if he doesn’t have these to look back on? He has them going back two years now. Does this need to continue? His second bout with Santa included an older, thinly built gentleman who looked strung out and smelled awful. In the picture, my son looks like Alexander from the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day sitting next to Meth-head Santa. Do we need a photo to remember this? This year’s Easter bunny picture faired no better. My son’s head is covering the Bunny, and they both look pissed. When the prepubescent photographer asked if we’d like to try again, I think my face said it all.

3.    Mickey Mouse

I dropped my son off at preschool the other day. It’s a really great, clean school near a vast park surrounded by trees- very picturesque. So, we followed our morning routine of sitting at his table, me in excruciating pain trying to fit my ass onto chairs made for 2-3 year olds, enjoying a nice breakfast of cheerios and cinnamon waffles and some light conversation. We’re in the middle of a discussion about the dinosaurs he hit a kid with the other day, as a mouse scurries behind us and into the changing table area. My calm, cool, collected self picked my son up, and ran screaming from the room while I yelled at the teacher about the mouse. I ran with him all the way to the front office where they assured me they would find the culprit and let me know when this happened. After calling my parents, and my husband, and being assured all would be fine, I went back into the room, trying to pretend nothing had happened, and if this were a real emergency I wouldn’t have saved myself (and son) first.

4.    “Your son’s a biter”

Amidst a break from class the other day, I listened to my voice mail and was concerned to hear a message from the director of my son’s school: “…we’d like to inform you, since it’s standard procedure, that your son bit another child. On the back. Thank you, and have a great day!” WTF. My son is a biter?!?! I did what any good mom would do and I called my own mother to get the real story. Her response, “Well, we know it wasn’t your son’s f-ing fault. He was provoked!” Whether or not that was true, it was what I needed to hear. Granted, my son is physical, but he isn’t a vampire. I buy my mother’s story, and fully believe that the other kid was starting beef, and he now knows to check himself before he wrecks himself. I of course had a serious conversation with my son about not hurting children, and using the four words we know to convey our disapproval (only one of which is an expletive). I also told him I was happy he wasn't acting like a "bia" out on the preschool playground.

5.    I Sold My Soul to Pixar

I would like to personally thank the people working for Pixar because they are doing an incredible job of raising my son. When I pick him up in the morning, rather than saying hello to me, he will implore, “Car show?” (Cars 1 and 2) or “Woody Buzz?” (Toy Story 1-3).  I used to take offense to this. Are Tom Hanks, Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor and Owen Wilson doing a better job raising my son than me? Yes, yes they are, and I appreciate them fully.