Things I didn’t think I’d have the stomach to handle until I became a Mom

1.     Vomit. Last night was a scene straight from the Exorcist; I was just waiting for my son’s head to spin around. We had a fairly normal day, but he over did it on the cereal bars right before bed. Look, I’ve seen my fair share of vomit. I’ve held back the hair of friends, of coworkers, and thrown my own pony back to do some ‘cleansing’ after a night gone awry, but my God. Yes, it was New Year’s Eve, but I don’t party that hard anymore. My son was in bed by 9:30pm, and why the hell do clubs stay open until 2am anyway? Who still looks good at that hour? (How old am I? Did I really just write that?) Regardless, as we were up the stairs off to bed, my son decided to christen the evening and the stairs with his own parting gift for 2011.

2.     Diapers. For human beings on the scale of my son, should they really be that bad? My son weights 30+ lbs, and he produces things that look reminiscent of the sick triceratops’ droppings from Jurassic Park, is this healthy? And why, when I’m attempting to change his diaper does he fight me? If anyone is getting the short end of the stick here, it’s me. Shouldn’t he be thankful? Buying me flowers after we’re done? Or at the least a drink??

3.     Ultimatums. I am a strong, confident woman, why do I give my son these? My latest favorite is, “Oh, okay, you’re not going to listen to me? Do you want me to get your papa?!” My son doesn’t take me seriously (like my students, and the rest of the world), so I stoop to this level, am I proud of that? No. But, it gets me through the day. My son’s papa is my father, his grandfather, a man who at 5’10” is a teddy bear and a whiz with children. Is he always nearby? No. Does my son know that? Absolutely not.

4.     Tantrums. What could possibly be so wrong in my son’s life that he chooses to lay down on the floor, throw his head back and scream? You know what? I’m going to try this at my job. The next time I disagree with a superior, or have had it with a student, I’m going to lay my head on the ground and cry. We’ll see how well that works.

5.     And, I understand that my son is only two, but looking forward… why do male high school students feel the need to bathe in Axe? It’s awful. Will my son do this? Is it hormonal? I have vague memories of my older brother getting ready for his junior high dances by showering in Draakar Noir; that evil black bottle that could grow hair on a woman’s chest… does someone tell them to do this?