When I was growing up, my younger sister and I did a stint in musical theater. For those of you who know me, this might surprise you. We danced (truthfully, I was always told to hold up a prop that encompassed my large, awkward frame during a dance number), sang, and ‘acted’ our 6 and 10-year-old hearts away.
As embarrassing as these productions were, I learned one incredibly helpful lesson from a voice teacher that resonated with me, “You’ve got to fake it to make it.”
This piece of advice has applied to almost every area of my life-relationships, work, and none more readily than being a mother.
I am in a profession where I am supposed to be an expert in my field; rarely is that the case. But, I’ve learned over the years, that if you say something with enough confidence, and sell it in such a way, people will be reluctant to call you on it.
I can only compare it to trying out my fake ID in college for the first time at a seedy, Western bar with my roommate, Gina.
Scary bouncer: “It says here you ladies are from New York, and that you’re thirty-five, but you appear to be wearing Santa Clara University sweatshirts in your ID photos and look about 18.”
Me: terrible New York accent “Ya’ mac, that’s right, ya gonna’ let us in, or ah we gonnah’ needah’ bring dah cah ahround?”
Bouncer: “Alright, look there’s only 6 girls in there, so come on in and try not to throw up in the hay…”
Us: “Okay sir, thank you ever so much.”
In relationships, many of us have sold a possibly “shinier” model of ourselves to our prospective significant others. “I love that obscure sport. I am also a fill-in-the-blank-vegetarian-vegan-religion-ologist-and no, I do not swear-watch trashy t.v.-consider wine healthy since it includes grapes-drink before 12-and yes, that was also good for me” all the while batting my eyes and saving half of my food from our dinner date for when I will devour it on the ride home sans silverware…
Parenting is based on this mantra- just fake it. No one has the slightest idea what they’re doing, and those that pretend to are lying.
Growing up, I remember hearing several “pearls of wisdom” from both of my parents, feeling slight confusion, but refusing to call them on it because they said them with such conviction.
In particular, I remember my mother’s sex talk with me. A lot of people have cringe-worthy memories of their parents coming in, sitting them down, possibly providing pamphlets, and then having a chat about bees pollinating. My mother came into my room when I was a freshman in high school, and without skipping a beat said, “If you’re having sex, I’ll find out about it. I’ll know the exact moment it occurs.” And I was scared into virginity for several years after that. Would she know and did she when it happened? Debatable. But, her method worked.
When I asked my dad a question, ever the philosopher, he would relay a “do as I say not as I do” tale. “Look, hun, I may have had a party or two, not tried as hard as I could have in high school, and dated around a lot, but if you do those things you will end up unhappy and alone for the rest of your life.” Again, scared into submission.
There is no rule book, and no guarantee that the things I tell my son today will ensure he ends up a good person. But, I’m giving it my best shot. I’ve played a lot of roles in my life, some noteworthy, some embarrassing, and some I’d sooner forget…but I’m up here, and just like 20 years ago, I feel like I’m holding a large cityscape of New York in front of me singing and awkwardly moving left and right while shouting off beat, “Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya’ tomorrow” hoping for the best with this gig.
Break a leg parents…
I only wished I learned in my teenage years that "if you say something with enough confidence, and sell it in such a way, people will be reluctant to call you on it." I have learned this over the years as well, but I think it should cause most to think how their life would be different today if they truly believed that when they were sixteen: the different people (most likely more attractive people) you would have dated or hooked up with -- and definitely the ones you would not have -- , the more impressed your parents and teachers would have been with you (god knows they don't know everything), or the better you would have done in job interviews. A lot of times "faking it" and especially faking it well boils down to confidence...and people in life with more confidence (whether real or just acted out)are the people making differences -- for better or worse. I know the person I married would be someone different if I was better at faking it; I just wonder if I would be able to keep up the facade through an entire marriage -- despite the fact that he would most likely be more "attractive" and be making a name for himself.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great point- my life would be completely different (not sure that I would like that...) if I had learned this earlier on. Great point about how "people with more confidence are the people making a difference- better or worse." So true.
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