1. Personal hygiene takes a beating.
The other day my husband left early, and it was just my son and myself. I honestly hadn’t showered in a good two days. I had tried the “camping technique” of ‘bathing’ with a wet rag, but that really only gets you so far, and since I was in the comfort of my own home, I felt ridiculous even attempting the wash rag shower. So, since my son and I had to be somewhere within an hour looking presentable, I did what I had to do. I stripped my son down to his diaper, hopped in an ice cold shower leaving the door wide open, lathered up for 1 minute, and rinsed for the second minute, all the while singing songs and dancing (neither of those a pretty sight) in hopes of keeping him entertained. This is a daily battle.
2. Peace and quiet can be dangerous.
My son is, shall we say, an ‘adventurer.’ He enjoys taking things apart, checking to see if they are edible, and rearranging parts with other toys or household appliances. He is also, (shocker since he’s my son) incredibly vocal. He jabbers away, talking to himself, our dog, etc. Some parents find they can leave their children to play with a puzzle or coloring book for hours and they will quietly sit. With my son, quiet is not a good thing. Quiet means that he has quite possibly tied our dog up, called China with our cell phones, and/ or stuck an entire box of crayons down our printer. All true.
3. Eating is done while standing up, quickly.
I have never eaten so much so fast in my life. Growing up I always found it strange that I never saw my mother sit while eating. Never. Now I know it’s because if you sit, your children feel you are ‘off duty’ and the shit show begins…
4. Work is a vacation
I had a coworker tell me when I went back to work part time that this would be true. He mentioned that driving home post having kids, he didn’t necessarily hustle through those yellows anymore. He reasoned that his wife and children needed him, so he should drive more cautiously, but I reasoned that he’s incredibly intelligent and soaking up the final seconds sans children. Since I am a teacher, I get “summers off”, that being said, when you have a kid, going home over the summer is like coming home on break from college for the first time. You still want to live by your own college rules, but your parents are telling you that you have curfew again and you now have to pay rent since you’re over 18. It’s rough…
5. You are guilted into going to children’s classes, the park, play dates, etc.
My least favorite question women with children ask one another is, “What new tricks does ‘so and so’ have these days?” What the hell are you talking about?! My son is 22 months old, he’s reading Hawthorne and currently into an Impressionist phase with his painting. What am I supposed to say here?!? If he is enrolled in gym class or music, and I reiterate this to said woman, I at least get a smiling nod of approval, whether or not I feel like I’m dying inside when I'm at my son's music class dancing around a circle with other adults and their children while flying scarves over our heads.
6. Injuries have changed; they used to be bruises from going out, now they are bruises from toys.
I remember when I used to wake up on a Saturday morning, stumble out of bed, make it to the shower and notice awkwardly placed bruises on my legs. Then, smiling to myself, I’d remember the shenanigans of the previous night out with friends and have a good laugh. The other day I went to work with a black eye because my son felt the need to try out his throwing arm by hurling my iPhone at my face. A month ago, he tried out a new bat his Nonni got him and put a welt on my forehead that was so grotesque, I got bangs.
7. Surprises used to be roses and cards, now it’s poop in a bathtub.
When my husband and I started dating, I would find flowers in my car in the morning, or love notes left in my lunch. Now, I get surprises of a different kind. The other day, after an outing to the park near our home, my son was due for a bath. His favorite thing to do at this park is play in their giant sandbox. As I’m bathing him, I realize he must’ve taken more sand home in his diaper than we’re used to as I pulled a clump out of the tub and into the trash. As I did this, my son silently watched me until I realized as he had already, that he had pooped in the tub. And color me surprised…
8. You go into hiding.
Time to yourself happens while your kids are sleeping. However, if my husband is home, we have taken to “hiding” where we can while the other is on duty; this includes but is not limited to: the bathroom, our patio, our bedroom, the gym- and I don’t even like working out, our puppy’s crate- and nobody’s proud of that folks. You do what you have to do for a moment to yourself. It’s survival.
9. Friendships change.
People who do not have kids (most of my friends) cannot totally appreciate what this journey entails. It is difficult to fully describe how insane life is after you have children until you’ve been there. I have several friends who will call me on the weekend and tell me where they will be going out that evening to revel. Then, when I remind them that I have a child and how critical people get about babies in bars, they seem miffed. However, these friends also came to my baby shower with wine in hand, which was so much more inviting than the 1000s of ‘burpee cloths’ I’d been given, so I keep these people close.
And the 10th way motherhood has changed my life…
10. Life finally has some semblance of meaning.
When I wake up in the morning I have a selfless purpose to fulfill. It is daunting, but everything rewarding is in some way. Yesterday, my son came into my room around 6am, hopped up on my bed, and gave me a kiss to wake me up a la Sleeping Beauty. And, I realized that I wouldn’t trade this life for my old one for anything.
How has your life changed since having kids?
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